(Ray Charles's "Hit the Road, Jack" playing)
##Hit the road, Jack##
##and don't you come back##
##no more, no more, no more, no more##
##Hit the road, Jack##
##and don't you come back no more##
(car crashing)
HEY, IT'S MONDAY MORNING, AND I'M JACK LUCAS.
Woman: Hi. This is about my husband.
Jack: YES?
Well, he drives me crazy.
I'll be talking
and he'll never let me finish a sentence.
He's always finishing...
HE'S ALWAYS FINISHING YOUR THOUGHTS.
It absolutely drives...
IT DRIVES YOU CRAZY, DOESN'T IT?
HE'S A SCOUNDREL.
Jack, you've hit the nail...
HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.
SOMEBODY OUGHT TO HIT YOU ON THE HEAD.
##Hit the road, Jack##
##and don't you come back##
##no more, no more, no more, no more##
##Hit the road, Jack##
##and don't you come back no more##
## What you say? ##
SO, UH, TELL US.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND SENATOR PAYTON
BEEN HAVING THIS...
(snickering)
...THIS SLEAZY AFFAIR?
Oh, great.
This is great.
This is disgusting.
I am tired of the public thinking
they have a right to invade a person's private life.
YOU HAD SEX WITH A SENATOR
IN THE PARKING LOT OF SEA WORLD.
YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'RE A PRIVATE PERSON?
YOU'RE OUR...
Spotlight Celebrity!
WE WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE BACKSEATS OF LIMOS.
ABOUT THE RUINED LIVES OF PEOPLE WE WANT TO BE.
NEW AND EXOTIC USES FOR CHAMPAGNE CORKS.
I have been humiliated enough already, okay?
WELL, NO, PERHAPS NOT.
WE NEED THOSE DETAILS.
You're a pig, Jack.
## OH, WOMAN, OH, WOMAN, DON'T TREAT ME SO MEAN ##
## YOU'RE THE MEANEST OLD WOMAN THAT I'VE EVER SEEN... ##
YOU'RE ON THE AIR, CALLER.
Hello, Jack. It's Edwin.
OH, IT'SEDWIN.
WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU IN, WHAT-- A DAY?
I'VE MISSED YOU.
I've missed you too.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FOR US?
I went to this bar--
this very hard-to-get-into place called Babbitt's.
I KNOW THE PLACE.
IT'S A CHIC YUPPIE WATERING HOLE.
I met this beautiful woman.
IF YOU START TELLING ME YOU'RE FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN
I'LL HAVE TO REMIND YOU OF THAT TIME WE MADE YOU PROPOSE
TO THAT CHECK-OUT GIRL AT THRIFTY'S.
REMEMBER HER REACTION?
(tape-recorded screaming and retching)
She was just a girl.
ANDPINOCCHIO IS A TRUE STORY.
YOU'LL NEVER GET THIS TART TO YOUR DESSERT PLATE.
This is different...
EDWIN, EDWIN... HEY!
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.
THEY ONLY MATE WITH THEIR OWN KIND.
IT'S CALLED YUPPIE INBREEDING.
THAT'S WHY SO MANY OF THEM ARE RETARDED.
THEY'RE NOT HUMAN.
THEY DON'T FEEL LOVE.
THEY ONLY NEGOTIATE LOVE MOMENTS.
THEY'RE EVIL, EDWIN.
THEY'RE HORRIFIED BY THE BANAL--
EVERYTHING THAT AMERICA STANDS FOR
EVERYTHING THAT YOU AND I FIGHT FOR.
THEY MUST BE STOPPED BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.
IT'S US OR THEM.
Okay, Jack.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A THRILL, AS ALWAYS.
EVERYONE AT THE JACK LUCAS SHOW
SAYS BYE.
THIS IS JACK LUCAS.
SO LONG,ARRIVEDERCI.
I'LL BE SENDING YOU A THOUGHT TODAY
AS I LIE IN THE BACK OF MY STRETCH LIMO
HAVING SEX WITH THE TEENAGER OF MY CHOICE
AND THAT THOUGHT WILL BE, "THANK GOD I'M ME."
(horns honking)
(sirens wailing)
SOME OF THIS IS VERY FUNNY.
THEY EVEN SECURED THE RIGHTS TO THE DONNA SUMMER SONG
TO PLAY OVER THE CREDITS.
OOH, I HAVE CHILLS.
I'M NOT GOING TO READ IT UNLESS I HAVE AN OFFER.
OF COURSE. NOT EVEN A QUESTION.
WHEN I TALKED TO THEM THIS MORNING
I COULD SMELL HOW MUCH THEY WANT YOU.
(rapping on window)
OOH. BUMS.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY?
I'M NOT OPENING THIS WINDOW.
COUPLE OF QUARTERS
ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.
I HATE MY CHEEKS.
RAOUL CALLED BEFORE-- ABOUT DINNER.
ABOUT DINNER AS A CONCEPT OR ABOUT DINNER
WITH RAOUL?
YOU'RE SO WITTY.
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE
AND DO SOMETHING.
TOMORROW IS A VERY BIG DAY FOR ME.
IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU PRETENDED YOU UNDERSTOOD.
FINE. I'LL SAY NO.
THEY'RE PUTTING ME ON FILM TOMORROW.
FINE.
FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'LL BE A VOICEWITHA BODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
WHAT THIS COULD LEAD TO?
IT'S A SITCOM, JACK.
YOU'RE NOT DEFINING PI.
OH.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME YOU GET EXCITED
BY DRAWING PUBIC HAIR ON RAISIN BRAN.
YOU WANT SOME?
NO. I HAVE TO WORK.
HOW UN-SIXTIES OF YOU.
I WAS NINE IN THE SIXTIES.
OH.
I USED TO THINK MY BIOGRAPHY OUGHT TO BE ENTITLED
JACK LUCAS: THE FACE BEHIND THE VOICE
BUT NOW IT CAN BE
JACK LUCAS: THE FACE AND THE VOICE.
OR MAYBE JUST JACK...EXCLAMATION POINT.
"HONEY, WHERE'S MY ORANGE CUP WITH THE TEDDY BEAR?
"I'LL KILL THAT OLD BITCH.
"I HAVE A FEVER.
"I REALLY THINK I'M DYING.
WELL, FORGIVE ME."
HEY...
FORGIVE ME.
FORGIVE ME, FORGIVE ME.
HEY, FORGIVE ME.
FORGIVE ME.
HEY, FORGIVE ME.
YEAH.
## I'VE GOT THE POWER... ##
(siren wailing)
FORGIVE ME.
## I'VE GOT THE POWER... ##
WHOA... WHOA... HEY!
FORGIVE ME.
## I'VE GOT THE POWER... ##
I HAVE THIS.
I REALLY HAVE THIS.
## IT'S GETTIN', IT'S GETTIN', IT'S GETTIN' KIND OF HECTIC ##
? ## IT'S GETTIN', IT'S GETTIN', IT'S GETTIN' KIND OF HECTIC... ?
Jack: They're evil.
They're horrified by the banal--
everything that America stands for
everything that you and I fight for.
They must be stopped.
Anchorman: It was Mr. Lucas's offhand remark
that had a fatal impact on Mr. Malnick.
Marc Saffron reports.
Babbitt's is popular with single, young professionals.
Edwin Malnick arrived at the peak hour of 7:15
took one long look at the collection
of the city's best and brightest
then pulled out a shotgun and opened fire.
Seven people were killed before Mr. Malnick
turned the gun on himself and shot a hole through his head.
Representatives of radio cult personality Jack Lucas
expressed regret.
Neighbors of Malnick said
he was a quiet man who lived alone.
"You scarcely knew he was there," said a neighbor.
But today, few will soon forget
this lonely man who reached out
to a world he knew only through the radio
looking for friendship
and finding only pain and tragedy.
Marc Saffron, Channel Seven News.
## Everybody ##
## have you heard... ##
FUCK.
Jack: GARBAGE, PEOPLE ARE GARBAGE.
PIGS.
GO RIGHT AHEAD AND PANIC.
Woman: HEY, MR. HAPPINESS.
YEAH?
ARE YOU GOING TO DO A LITTLE WORK TODAY
OR WHAT?
WHAT, OUT THERE?
THEY'RE NOT TERRORISTS, JACK.
THEY'RE JUST ORDINARY PEOPLE
LIKE YOU AND ME.
BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS, RIGHT?
Man: THIS ONE.
I THINK I WANT...
THAT WILL BE FOR ME
AND THEN THIS SCARY ONE.
YES. A SCARY ONE AND A FUNNY ONE.
OH.OH.
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HELP ME?
I'M AT AN ABSOLUTE LOSS.
WHAT I'M IN THE MOOD FOR
IS A KATHERINE-HEPBURNY, CARY-GRANTY
KIND OF THING.
NOTHING HEAVY.
SOMETHING ZANY.
I'M LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING ZANY.
OR SOMETHING MODERN.
LIKE GOLDIE-HAWNY
CHEVY-CHASEY KIND OF THING.
I WANT TO LAUGH. I HAVE TO LAUGH.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING WITH THAT COMEDIAN?
HE'S ON THAT SHOW.
ON THE RADIO.
YOU KNOW THE GUY.
HE SAYS, "HEY, FORGIVE ME."
I GET SUCH A KICK OUT OF THE WAY HE SAYS THAT.
HE'S SO GODDAMN ADORABLE. THAT WOULD BE PERFECT.
DIDN'T HE MAKE A MOVIE?
"ORDINARY PEEPHOLES."
IT'S KIND OF A BIG TITTY, SPREAD CHEEKY KIND OF THING.
EXCUSE ME. I JUST WANT TO BORROW HIM FOR A MINUTE.
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THAT.
THAT WAS A FRIGHTENING WOMAN.
ARE YOU IN ONE OF YOUR MOODS?
IF SHE DIDN'T GET SOMETHING ZANY
SHE WAS GOING TO PULL THE PIN.
IS THIS ONE OF THE DAYS
WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR EMOTIONAL ABYSS?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE MOODS YOU'VE BEEN IN.
YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND MOODS, HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN.
I HATE DESPERATE PEOPLE.
SWEETIE, BABY, LOVE OF MY LIFE
YOU HATE PEOPLE.
LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE DAY OFF
GO UPSTAIRS, PUT YOUR FEET UP.
I'LL COOK TONIGHT, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
Have you seen my orange cup with the teddy bear?
Grandma used it
for her urine specimen.
(laughter drowning out dialogue)
WELL, IT'S FUNNY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
THEN WHY WATCH?
IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
TO SEE HOW NOT FUNNY IT IS
WHICH MAKES IT EASIER
NOT BEING A FAMOUS FUNNY TV CELEBRITY
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I'M NOT REALLY TALENTED.
YOU ARE A SICK FUCK, YOU KNOW THAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU TORTURE...
SHHH!
DON'T YOU DO THAT!
I'M TRYING TO WATCH.
YOU HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS.
YOU'RE VERY SELF-ABSORBED.
GOD, DIVERT YOURSELF.
READ A BOOK.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO THINK, ANNE.
IT'S WHAT SEPARATES US FROM LENTILS
AND PEOPLE THAT READ BOOKS LIKELOVE SONG.
GREAT BOOK. DUMB TITLE.
YOU KNOW...
(tv turning off)
YOU USED TO LIKE THAT ABOUT ME.
YOU USED TO SAY YOU LIKED
THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO THINK ALL THE TIME--
THAT WE COULD JUST BE TOGETHER AND NOT THINK.
SUICIDAL PARANOIACS WILL SAY ANYTHING TO GET LAID.
(tv turning back on)
HAVE ANOTHER DRINK, JACK.
IT'S ON THE HOUSE, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.
Man: I hope when you get to be my age
your children treat you with the same disrespect.
I'm dying.
Woman: You're not dying.
We have to go to the Billy Joel concert.
Ah, well, forgive me!
MADNESS!
(cloth tearing)
SHIT!
Man on television: Forgive me.
FUCK.
(horn honking)
Jack: HEY, WATCH IT, ASSHOLE.
Driver: WELL, FORGIVE ME, FUCK HEAD!
Man: HEY! HEY! OVER HERE!
HERE I AM.
OH, TAXI!
(horn honking)
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HEY, BUDDY...
BUDDY, HELP A GUY OUT.
HELP ME OUT
WITH A QUARTER.
SPORT, SPORT...
HEY, I TOLD YOU...
HEY! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
GET AWAY FROM ME.
YOU'RE A MANIAC.
YOU'RE CRAZY.
Boy: MR. BUM...
HERE.
HEY...
ANYBODY HERE NAMED JIMINY?
(man laughing)
Jack: YOU EVER READ ANY NIETZSCHE?
NIETZSCHE SAYS
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD--
PEOPLE WHO ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS
LIKE WALT DISNEY AND HITLER
AND THEN THERE'S THE REST OF US.
HE CALLED US "THE BUNGLED AND THE BOTCHED."
WE GET TEASED.
WE SOMETIMES GET CLOSE TO GREATNESS
BUT WE NEVER GET THERE.
(laughing)
WE'RE THE EXPENDABLE MASSES.
WE GET PUSHED IN FRONT OF TRAINS
TAKE POISON ASPIRIN
GET GUNNED DOWN IN DAIRY QUEENS.
YOU...
YOU WANT TO HEAR
THE NEW TITLE OF MY BIOGRAPHY, MY LITTLE ITALIAN FRIEND?
IT WAS NO FUCKIN' PICNIC: THE JACK LUCAS STORY.
YOU LIKE IT?
IL NOVA ESTA FUCKIN' PICNIC-O.
YOU'RE A GOOD KID.
YOU SAY "NO" TO DRUGS.
YOU EVER GET THE FEELING SOMETIMES
YOU'RE BEING PUNISHED FOR YOUR SINS?
(men hooting and hollering)
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
I SAID, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, MAN?
YOU SHOULDN'T HANG AROUND THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
I WAS JUST LEAVING.
PEOPLE SPEND HARD-EARNED MONEY FOR THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE
YOUR ASS ASLEEP ON THE STREETS.
YES, I AGREE.
GOOD. THAT'S VERY GOOD.
DO YOU BELIEVE THIS DRUNK?
ME NEITHER, MAN. DO IT!
Man: HOLD, VARLET
OR FEEL THE STING OF MY SHAFT!
IN THE NAME OF BLANCHE DE FLEUR
UNHAND THAT ERRANT KNIGHT!
DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
LET THE BUM GO! DIPSHIT!
MENDACITY!
WHY ARE TWO ATTRACTIVE CITY SQUIRES LIKE YOU
ABUSING A KNIGHT LIKE THIS?
ARE YOU A FAGGOT TOO?
FAGGOT? NO, BUT I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES.
NOT WITHOUT DINNER.
ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?
VOILA!LET'S SHOW HIM WHAT HE'S WON.
I ADVISE YOU TO LET US GO.
YOU ADVISE US, HUH?
YOU'RE OUTNUMBERED, SON. LOOK AND SEE.
Thug: LOOKS LIKE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD.
COME ON! GO FOR IT!
THEY CAN'T DO NOTHING.
CAN'T DO NOTHING.
NOTHING?!
GENTLEMEN...
##I LIKE NEW YORK IN JUNE##
## HOW ABOUT YOU? ##
##I LIKE A GERSHWIN TUNE##
##HOW ABOUT YOU##?
OH, LOOK, IT'S SHOW TIME.
BOYS, THERE'S THREE THINGS
IN THIS WORLD THAT YOU NEED.
RESPECT FOR ALL KINDS OF LIFE
A NICE BOWEL MOVEMENT
ON A REGULAR BASIS, AND A NAVY BLAZER.
OH! AND ONE MORE THING-- NEVER TAKE YOUR EYE
OFF THE BALL.
OF COURSE, THE ABILITY TO BEAN A SHITHEAD
CAN BE A FABULOUS ADVANTAGE.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
PLEASE... DON'T HURT ME.
HEY... WHY? SO YOU CAN BE HEALTHY WHEN YOU JUMP?
YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME TIED UP OUT HERE ALONE, YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOT!
OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ALONE, HUH?
COME AND GET IT!
I NEED A DRINK.
HEY, I KNOW A FABULOUS PLACE WITH GREAT AMBIENCE.
(groaning)
(man laughing hysterically)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DEATH PENALTY?
IT'S DEFINITELY A PENALTY. IT AIN'T NO FUCKIN' GIFT.
LIFE'S TOO GODDAMN SHORT.
GREAT PLACE, HUH?
(screaming)
(everyone screaming)
HOW ARE YOU TONIGHT?
NOT BAD, JOHN. AND YOU?
CAN'T COMPLAIN.
CAN I INTEREST ANYBODY IN A FRUIT PIE?
NO, THANK YOU. TOO FATTENING.
(screaming)
HAVE A DRINK.
I BETTER BE LEAVING.
DRINK! GODDAMN IT!
NO.
(gagging and choking)
I THINK THEY LIKE YOU.
? Old man: ## I LIKE NEW YORK IN JUNE ?
##HOW ABOUT YOU##?
YOU WERE GREAT TONIGHT, PARRY.
(voices fading in and out)
##I LIKE POTATO CHIPS AND MOONLIGHT AND ROSES##
##HOW ABOUT YOU?!##
HI.
WELCOME BACK.
HOW YOU FEELING?
HAVE I DIED?
OH, NO.
HEY... OH, EASY.
YOU WANT TO GET UP?
THERE YOU GO. GRAVITY WORKS.
TAKE IT REAL SLOW.
TAKE A FEW BREATHS.
WHERE AM I?
IT'S MY DOMICILE.
IT'S MY HUMBLE ABODE.
MI CASAISSU CASA.
YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?
BECAUSE YOUR STOMACH MUST BE REAL TABULA RASA
AFTER LAST NIGHT.
THESE ARE RAISINS OR RAT SHIT.
YOU CAN'T TELL SOMETIMES.
OH! OH... HOW ABOUT A FRUIT PIE?
(gagging)
YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT ONE.
I WAS OFF BY A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
IT'S NICE TO HAVE COMPANY. HI.
WHERE ARE MY SHOES?
WHAT?
SHH! SHH!
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT IS IT?
I GOT COMPANY.
WHAT?
I KNEW IT.
I KNEW IT LAST NIGHT.
I DID TOO. IDID.
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T...
HE'S THE ONE.
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?
NO.
GOOD, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THE LITTLE PEOPLE TOLD ME?
THE LITTLE PEOPLE?
OH... YOU KNOW.
THEY SAID YOU'RE THE ONE.
THE ONE WHAT?
SHUT UP! GET AWAY FROM HIM!
OH, THIS WILL GET THEM BACK.
WINTERGREEN. SORRY ABOUT THIS.
(coughing)
THERE WE ARE.
THEY SAID YOU'RE NOT READY TO KNOW YET.
I'M NOT.
HE IS TOO.
GET OUT OF HERE. FUCK OFF!
BEAT IT. I HAVE RAID.
OH, YEAH, FLY UP THERE.
OH, OH, YEAH.
COME ON. OUT OF HERE.
HEY!
YOU CAN'T BE IN THERE.
YOU'RE FRIGHTENING HIM.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I'M DRAWING A BLANK.
WELL, TAKE A GUESS.
LET HIM GUESS, HMM?
UH... I DON'T KNOW.
YOU SEEM TO BE SOME KIND OF VIGILANTE?
WELL, THAT HAPPENS
ALONG THE WAY, OF COURSE, BUT...
HERE'S A CLUE.
A HOOD ORNAMENT.
NO.
I'M A KNIGHT.
ON A SPECIAL QUEST.
AND I NEED HELP.
QUEST.
THAT'S WHY THEY SENT YOU.
THE LITTLE...
YES, YES.
YOU SEE, THEY WORK FOR... HIM.
SO DO I.
HIM?
GOD.
I'M THE JANITOR OF GOD.
I KNOW.
YEAH. HEY, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
THEY CAME TO ME ABOUT A YEAR AGO.
I WAS SITTING ON THE JOHN
HAVING ONE OF THOSE REALLY SATISFYING BOWEL MOVEMENTS.
YOU KNOW THOSE ONES THAT BORDER ON MYSTICAL?
WHERE YOU'RE LIKE...
[ Grunting ]
OHHH!
AND THERE THEY WERE.
HUNDREDS OF THE CUTEST LITTLE FAT PEOPLE
FLOATING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
IT WAS WONDERFUL, AND THEN...
THEY SPOKE, AND THEY SAID THAT I HAD BEEN CHOSEN
TO GET BACK SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL THATHEHAD LOST
AND MY PART WOULD BE VERY DANGEROUS
AND I SAID, "WHOA! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE."
YOU START SEEING FLOATING LITTLE FAT PEOPLE
TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD...
THEY'LL SLAP YOU WITH SOME HEAVY THORAZINE.
I SAID, "GIVE ME A SIGN."
AND THEY SAID, "LOOK INPROGRESSIVE ARCHITECTURE.
"FEBRUARY, '88.
PAGE 33."
THAT'S PRETTY SPECIFIC, HUH?
BINGO!
HE KNOWS.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
WHERE IS IT? A, B, F... F, M!
M... IT'S UNDER MISCELLANEOUS, NOT MYTHOLOGY.
LOOK AT THIS.
HERE IT IS.
LET'S SEE THIS.
LOOK.
SEE IT?
MM-HMM.
LANGDON CARMICHAEL.
Parry: NO, NO. RIGHT THERE. SEE IT?
WHAT?
THE GRAIL.
THE HOLY GRAIL.
IT'S GOD'S SYMBOL OF DIVINE GRACE.
THE HOLY...
SOME BILLIONAIRE HAS GOT THE HOLY GRAIL
IN HIS LIBRARY ON FIFTH AVENUE.
WHO WOULD THINK YOU'D FIND ANYTHING DIVINE
ON THE UPPER EAST SIDE?
I DON'T MEAN TO BE FLIPPANT OR ENRAGE YOU
BUT YOU'RE A PSYCHOTIC MAN.
A VERY NICE PSYCHOTIC MAN.
I APPRECIATE WHAT YOU DID.
IT WAS A BRAVE AND NOBLE THING.
OH, STOP. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.
I'M SURE I'LL SEE A LOT OF YOU
ON VARIOUS TALK SHOWS WHEN YOU GET THE GRAIL.
PLEASE, DON'T GO.
I CAN'T.
I CAN'T GET IT.
BECAUSE HE'S OUT THERE.
HE'S ALWAYS OUT THERE.
THAT'S WHY YOU CAN GET IT.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE ONE.
I'M NOT THE ONE.
I'M NOT ANYONE.
FORGET ABOUT THE SHOES.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A CAB, UH...?
PARRY.
PARRY. I'M JACK.
I KNOW.
OH, OH!
WAIT.
DON'T, UH...
THEY'RE, UH...
OH, HERE THEY ARE.
JACK, JACK, HERE YOU GO.
AS THEY WERE.
UH, YOU CAN KEEP THE DOLL.
HEY, THANKS A MIL, HUH?
HEY, NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE
DON'T BE A STRANGER.
COME BACK. WE'LL RUMMAGE.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, JACK.
GIVE MY LOVE TO THE WIFE.
I'M NOT MARRIED.
REALLY? YOU LOOK MARRIED.
HEY, DON'T BE A STRANGER.
SEE YOU.
HEY! HEY, WHERE YOU COMING FROM?
UH... THE BASEMENT, I THINK.
I TELL HIM NO VISITORS!
HEY, HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
HUH?
YOU A FRIEND OF PARRY'S?
NO.
LOOK, I LET HIM STAY HERE OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF MY HEART
BECAUSE OF THE TRAGEDY
BUT I DON'T RUN A HOTEL
AND NOBODY'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME.
TRAGEDY?
HE AND HIS WIFE WERE IN SOME BAR
AND SOME NUT COMES IN WITH A SHOTGUN...
SPLATTERED HER BRAINS ALL OVER THE WALLS.
SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL.
NEVER KNEW WHAT HIT HER.
YOU HEARD ABOUT THAT.
THAT NUT WHO LISTENED TO THE RADIO?
Anne: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ATTACKED.
YOU COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED.
GOD KNOWS WHAT.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT LONG, JACK.
SORRY.
(phone ringing)
YEAH?
Guy wants to check out the pornos.
SEND HIM BACK.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
I WAS ATTACKED.
WHAT?
OH, BABY.
TWO KIDS TRIED TO SET ME ON FIRE.
OH, MY GOD...
OW!
WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?
YOU ALMOST DONE?
YOU LOOKING FOR A STORY OR WHAT?
I'VE SEEN MOST OF THEM.
HERE.CREAMER VERSUS CREAMER. WON AN AWARD. GO.
DID YOU CALL THE POLICE?
YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE DOCTOR?
NO, I'M FINE.
ARE YOU SURE?
SO WHERE DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
I STAYED AT A FRIEND'S, ANNE.
OKAY, JACK.
I WANT YOU TO BE UP-FRONT WITH ME NOW.
IF YOU'RE SEEING SOMEBODY ELSE, JUST TELL ME.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO POUR GASOLINE ALL OVER YOURSELF
AND LIGHT A MATCH
JUST TO BREAK UP WITH ME.
ANNE, I WAS NOT SEEING ANYONE ELSE.
I REALLY WAS ATTACKED.
OKAY.
I'VE GOT A CUT HERE.
OKAY. I SEE IT NOW. I'M SORRY.
I LOVE YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT BACK
ALTHOUGH IT WOULDN'T BREAK YOUR JAW TO TRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE HOLY GRAIL IS?
HOLY GRAIL?
YEAH, I KNOW THAT ONE.
THAT WAS LIKE... JESUS' JUICE GLASS.
I USED TO BE SUCH A CATHOLIC.
DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN GOD?
YOU GOT TO BELIEVE IN GOD
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE GOD MADE MEN IN HIS IMAGE.
'CAUSE MOST THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS
IS 'CAUSE OF MEN.
I THINK MAN WAS MADE IN THE DEVIL'S IMAGE
AND WOMEN WERE CREATED OUT OF GOD
'CAUSE WOMEN CAN HAVE BABIES, WHICH IS CREATING
WHICH ALSO ACCOUNTS FOR THE FACT
THAT WOMEN ARE SO ATTRACTED TO MEN, 'CAUSE LET'S FACE IT--
THE DEVIL IS A HELL OF A LOT MORE INTERESTING.
I'VE SLEPT WITH SOME SAINTS
AND I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
BORING.
SO THE WHOLE POINT OF LIFE, I THINK
IS FOR MEN AND WOMEN
TO GET MARRIED
SO THAT GOD AND THE DEVIL CAN GET TOGETHER
AND WORK IT OUT.
NOT THAT WE HAVE TO GET MARRIED OR ANYTHING.
GOD FORBID.
YOU HAVE A LITTLE... THING RIGHT HERE.
WHAT, A PIMPLE?
THIS STUFF IS SUPPOSED TO BLEND WITH MY SKIN
LIKE IT REALLY WORKS.
NO. I DON'T THINK I'M UP FOR IT TONIGHT, HONEY.
I JUST HAD A VERY TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE.
I'M GETTING SICK.
OW, OW, OW.
OOH, OOH, OW.
CAREFUL, CAREFUL, CAREFUL NOW.
ANNE, I SPENT THE NIGHT IN A BOILER ROOM.
I'M TIRED. I'M UPSET.
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD, OKAY?
OKAY.
Jack: PARRY?
OH! GEE...
CAN I HELP YOU?
I WAS LOOKING FOR PARRY.
HE'S NOT HERE.
THE HOSPITAL SAID IT WOULD BEST
IF WE KEPT CERTAIN THINGS AWAY FROM HIM.
THERE'S HIS REAL NAME. HENRY SAGAN.
HE WAS A TEACHER OVER AT HUNTER COLLEGE.
THEY KEPT HIM IN A MENTAL PLACE OVER ON STATEN ISLAND.
HE DID NOT SPEAK FOR A YEAR.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE STARTED TALKING
ONLY NOW, HE'S THIS PARRY GUY.
HE AND HIS WIFE USED TO LIVE UPSTAIRS.
WHEN HE GOT RELEASED, THEY SENT HIM HERE.
I FELT BAD.
HE COULDN'T WORK.
NOBODY WANTED HIM.
SO I LET HIM STAY IN THE BASEMENT.
HE HELPED OUT.
I'D GIVE HIM A COUPLE DOLLARS.
PEOPLE THROW THINGS AWAY.
HE GETS THEM.
SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
HE WAS CRAZY ABOUT HER.
Man: I appreciate the way
you deal with people. I'm a big fan.
Jack: I enjoy appreciation.
I appreciated the other day...
when you told that homeless schmuck...
Who does he think he is
talking about the money that you made?
Who was he to ask Jack Lucas anything?
ASSHOLE. A scumbag like that? I liked how you dealt with him.
I really did.
I did the same thing the other day.
It was perfect Jack Lucas style.
I listen to you every day, and I'm telling you
you are a consistent, integral man.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY?
CAN'T SLEEP?
(turning off tape player)
YEAH.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, ANNE.
I REALLY FEEL CURSED.
STOP IT.
THINGS WILL CHANGE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M A MAGNET
BUT I ATTRACT SHIT.
OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE CITY
WHY DID I MEET A MAN WHOSE WIFE I KILLED?
YOU DIDN'T KILL ANYBODY.
I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY I COULD...
JUST... PAY THE FINE AND GO HOME.
HEY, I KNOW. I KNOW.
OH, BABY.
(men talking and laughing)
Jack: HAVE YOU SEEN PARRY?
(car alarm sounding)
DEIGN, PRINCESS, TO REMEMBER THIS
THY FAITHFUL SLAVE
WHO NOW ENDURES SUCH MISERY FOR LOVE OF THEE.
UH, PARRY...
HI, JACK.
(clock striking)
I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD USE...
COME ON.
SHH!
Man: OH, SORRY.
SHE'LL BE BACK.
ISN'T SHE A VISION?
YEAH. GORGEOUS.
I JUST WANTED TO...
COME ON.
Jack: I... OH!
WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK, I'M LEAVING.
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU...
SHIT!
Parry: WAIT.
NOW.
HERE. COME HERE.
THIS WAY.
DOWN!
JACK.
SHE BUYS A NEW BOOK EVERY TWO DAYS.
Man: HEY, SWEETHEART
WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING?
SHE'S INTO TRASH
BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
JACK.
JACK, COME HERE.
OH. OH, SHE LOVES DUMPLINGS.
THAT'S HER WEDNESDAY RITUAL.
OH, IT'S SO SWEET.
SHE DOES THAT EVERY TIME.
WE'RE LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BUDDY?
JACK.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
OKAY, OKAY.
SORRY.
Parry: IF SOMEONE TOLD ME I'D LOVE A GIRL WHO CHEWS JAWBREAKERS,
I'D SAY THEY'RE NUTS-- BUT LOOK AT THAT JAW.
OH.
THERE SHE GOES.
OH, ISN'T SHE..?
YOU FOLLOW HER EVERY DAY, HUH?
UH-HUH.
OH, IT'S NOT LIKE THAT. I'M DEEPLY SMITTEN.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
I DON'T KNOW.
A COOLER! OH.
OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT NEEDS A LITTLE WORK.
HERE.
I JUST WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU.
FIFTY DOLLARS?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S ANOTHER 20.
WILL THAT DO IT?
SEVENTY DOLLARS. THAT...
HOW MUCH IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?
YOU'RE SO NICE, JACK.
OH, JACK.
NO, THAT'S OKAY.
YOU MENSCH, YOU.
HEY, CAN I TAKE YOU TO LUNCH, HUH?
NO, I GOT TO GO BACK TO WORK.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
SELL!
BUY!
BUY! BUY!
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GIVE THAT BACK.
JACK, JACK, JACK!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JACK, LET GO. LET GO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
I GAVE THAT TO YOU!
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH IT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I GAVE IT TO YOU TO HELP YOU
NOT TO HELP HIM!
JACK, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP ME...
YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES.
PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH?
BUT DON'T LET IT SCARE YOU.
AS FORMIDABLE AS IT SEEMS, EVERYTHING HAS ITS WEAKNESS.
AT LEAST THERE'S NO MOAT.
YOU CAN'T JUST BREAK INTO LANGDON CARMICHAEL'S HOUSE.
HEY! I'LL DEAL WITH IT.
LET'S GO THROUGH THIS ONE MORE TIME.
LOOK, PLEASE...
THE HOLY GRAIL...
DON'T START DROOLING WHEN I TELL YOU
BUT YOU SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
THERE IS NO HOLY GRAIL.
OH, JACK, YE OF LITTLE FAITH.
THERE HAS TO BE A GRAIL.
WHAT WERE THE CRUSADES, THE POPE'S PUBLICITY STUNT?
OH, YOU HEATHEN, THERE'S A GRAIL.
LOOK, WAIT A MINUTE.
HEY!
YOU'RE ONLY PARTLY INSANE.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU CAN LEAD SEMI-NORMAL LIVES.
YOU CAN GET A JOB.
I HAVE A JOB, JACK.
I HAVE A QUEST.
I TAKE IT BACK. YOU'RE FUCKING DERANGED.
YOU'LL GET KILLED GETTING IN THERE.
THAT'S SO SWEET.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO.
YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT ME, AREN'T YOU?
YOU THINK THERE'S DANGER.
NO. I THINK YOU'RE A MORON
AND I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.
YOU CARE.
FIRST THE MONEY, NOW THIS.
OH, THAT'S SO SWEET.
OH, YOU FABULOUS GUY!
DON'T HUG ME IN PUBLIC AGAIN.
OH, MEN WITH MEN.
OH, JACK.
I LOVE THIS GUY!
YOU HEAR ME?
I LOVE THIS GUY.
OH, YOU HEAR ME, JADED CITY?
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
I LOVE JACK. HE CARES.
OH, JACK, IN THIS JADED MOTHERFUCKIN' CITY...
WILL YOU SHUT UP?
YOU HEAR ME? I'M LOOPY ABOUT THIS GUY.
OH, JACK, YOU'RE A REAL HUMAN BEING.
YOU'RE A FRIEND, A TRUE FRIEND.
I'M NOT. BELIEVE ME.
I'M SCUM.
I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN.
YOU'RE AN HONEST-TO-GOODNESS GOOD GUY.
I'M SELF-CENTERED. I'M WEAK.
I DON'T HAVE THE WILLPOWER OF A FLY ON SHIT.
MAYBE THAT'S WHY THE LITTLE PEOPLE SENT YOU.
I DON'T BELIEVE
IN LITTLE PEOPLE, OKAY?
THERE IS NO MAGIC.
BUT YOU'LL STILL HELP ME.
THAT'S WHAT MATTERS.
PARRY
OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS
YOU KNOW NONE OF THIS IS TRUE.
PART OF YOU KNOWS IT'S NOT TRUE.
I THINK WE HAVE
TO START PLANNING NOW.
PARRY, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD, JACK.
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
JACK, LET GO OF ME!
YOU USED TO TEACH AT HUNTER COLLEGE.
NO! NO!
YOU'RE A TEACHER.
NO!
(screaming)
PARRY.
(yelling)
PARRY!
(yelling)
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
(whimpering)
PARRY...
NO! NO!
WHAT?
JACK...
HE'S AFRAID OF YOU.
WE'VE GOT HIM!
COME ON!
(horn honking)
PARRY!
(tires screeching)
HOLY SHIT!
PARRY!
(horn honking)
PARRY!
(crashing)
PARRY!
(yelling)
HEY! PARRY!
PARRY!
YES.
I GOT HIM, JACK!
PARRY!
WAIT.
(yelling)
PARRY.
(gasping)
YES!
(panting)
(yelling)
I'VE GOT YOU, YOU MEDIEVAL ALIEN!
(yelling)
(gasping)
I'M DYING.
I CAN'T BREATHE.
ISN'T THIS A BEAUTIFUL SPOT, JACK?
WHO...
WHO HAVE WE BEEN CHASING?
CAN I ASK THIS QUESTION NOW?
HE'S GONE NOW.
WE HAD HIM ON THE RUN, DIDN'T WE?
OH, IF WE HAD HORSES WE'D HAVE HAD HIS ASS.
WHO?
WHAT?
WHO HAVE WE BEEN CHASING?
JACK, I THOUGHT YOU SAW HIM.
SAW WHO?
THE RED KNIGHT.
OKAY.
I GAVE YOU THE MONEY.
YOU WANT TO KEEP IT, FINE.
YOU WANT TO GIVE IT AWAY, FINE.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I DID GIVE HIM THE MONEY, OKAY?
ARE WE CLEAR?
(sighing loudly)
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO, JACK?
Person: HELP ME, SOMEBODY, PLEASE!
HEAVEN BE PRAISED IN GIVING SO SOON
AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME TO FULFILL THE DUTIES OF MY PROFESSION.
(person crying)
THESE CRIES PROCEED
FROM SOME MISERABLE MALE OR FEMALE
IN NEED OF MY IMMEDIATE AID AND PROTECTION.
THIS IS TOO HARD.
HELP ME!
WILL YOU, LADY ON THE HORSE
PLEASE TRAMPLE ME?
WILL YOU STOP?!
OVER HERE!
WHAT ARE YOU..?
(horses neighing)
NO! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!
GET AWAY, PLEASE!
I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.
I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU!
THAT'S WHAT THE OTHER GUY SAID.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I WANT TO HELP YOU.
NO, I WANT TO GO!
PLEASE, LET ME GO NOW.
COME ON, LET ME HELP YOU UP.
NO. I WANT A DEBUTANTE
ON A HORSE TO STEP ON ME.
PARRY...
LEAVE ME ALONE.
SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS
BUT THE DAYS OF DEBUTANTES ARE OVER.
AND ISN'T IT AWFUL?
POOR LITTLE GLORIA.
POOR BRENDA FRAZIER.
THEY RUINED THEM.
THEY ATE THEM ALIVE.
WHAT ABOUT SLIM KEITH, THAT LITTLE GUGGENHEIM GIRL?
IMPOSTORS!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
JACK, LEND A HAND.
HE JUST NEEDS TO SLEEP IT OFF.
SOMEBODY WILL TAKE CARE OF HIM.
WHO, MOTHER TERESA? SHE'S RETIRED.
MAYBE HE WANTS TO STAY HERE. DO YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?
OH, YEAH, SURE. I'LL LOVE BLEEDING IN HORSESHIT.
HOW VERY GANDHI-ESQUE OF YOU.
JACK?
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
Dr. Klein to physiotherapy.
Man: NO, PLEASE.
PLEASE, I WAS BORN IN A PLACE LIKE THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
PLEASE, LET ME...
COME ON.
JACK, TAKE CARE OF HIM.
NO, NO, NO, NO,
I WANT TO GO.
PLEASE, LET ME GO.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
TO A NICE PLACE THAT I KNOW ABOUT.
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GO THERE LATER.
WE CAN'T GO THERE TONIGHT.
MAYBE WE CAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
WE CAN'T.
NO, WE CAN'T.
HEY, COME ON.
MAYBE WE CAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
VENICE.
LIKE KATHARINE HEPBURN INSUMMERTIME.
WHY CAN'T I BE KATHARINE HEPBURN?
I WANT TO DIE.
I JUST WANT TO DIE.
(beat boxing)
OKAY, READY?
## I LIKE NEW YORK IN JUNE... ##
I'M IN THE WRONG PLACE.
AREN'T WE ALL?
? ## I LIKE A GERSHWIN TUNE... ?
DON'T HOLD BACK.
## I LIKE TO REA D GOOD BOOKS... ##
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE CHILDREN.
GODDAMN DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
COMES IN THE HOUSE LOOKING FOR DUST BALLS.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DINING ROOM, YOU ASSHOLE!
THAT'S WONDERFUL FEELING
BUT YOU'RE STRETCHING.
COME ON, TEMPO.
ALLEGRO, PEOPLE, ALLEGRO.
Parry: OKAY.
WHEN YOU, UH...
DID YOU LOSE YOUR MIND ALL OF A SUDDEN
OR WAS IT A SLOW, GRADUAL PROCESS?
WELL...
I'M A SINGER BY TRADE.
SUMMER STOCK, NIGHTCLUB REVIEWS
THAT SORT OF THING.
AND GOD, I ABSOLUTELY LIVED FOR IT.
I CAN DOGYPSY-- EVERY PART.
I CAN DO IT BACKWARDS.
THEN ONE NIGHT
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SINGING "FUNNY"
SUDDENLY IT HIT ME--
WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN?
I MEAN, THAT PLUS THE FACT
THAT I'D WATCHED ALL MY FRIENDS DIE.
SOUND LIKE A VETERAN, DON'T I?
MY DAD WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME.
HEY...
PIZZA!
Man: AND ABOUT TIME.
Woman: THANK GOD.
(chattering)
Bus ten to Boston departs track 17.
NEVER GOING TO FIND HER IN THIS CROWD.
SHE'S LIKE CLOCKWORK, JACK.
SHE COMES THROUGH AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY.
SHE'S LATE.
THANK YOU.
Man: PARRY?
DID YOU HEAR JIMMY NICHOLS
GOT PICKED UP YESTERDAY?
OH, YEAH?
YEAH. HE GOT CAUGHT
PISSING ON A BOOKSTORE.
MAN'S A PIG.
NO EXCUSE FOR THAT.
THANK YOU, BABE.
WE'RE HEADED FOR SOCIAL ANARCHY
WHEN PEOPLE START PISSING ON BOOKSTORES.
ASSHOLE. DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU.
WELL, HE'S PAYING SO HE DON'T HAVE TO LOOK.
SAY, GUY GOES TO WORK EVERY DAY
EIGHT HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.
HE GETS HIS NUTS SO TIGHT IN A VISE
HE STARTS QUESTIONING
THE VERY FABRIC OF HIS EXISTENCE.
THEN ONE DAY ABOUT QUITTING TIME
THE BOSS CALLS HIM INTO THE OFFICE
AND SAYS, "HEY, BOB, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON IN HERE
AND KISS MY ASS FOR ME, WILL YOU?"
WELL, HE SAYS, "HELL WITH IT.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS.
"I JUST WANT TO SEE THE EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE
AS I JAM THIS PAIR OF SCISSORS INTO HIS ARM."
(sighing)
THEN HE THINKS OF ME.
HE SAYS, "WAIT A MINUTE.
"I GOT BOTH MY ARMS, I GOT BOTH MY LEGS.
AT LEAST I'M NOT BEGGING FOR A LIVING."
SURE ENOUGH, BOB'S GOING TO PUT THOSE SCISSORS DOWN
AND PUCKER RIGHT UP.
YOU SEE, I'M WHAT YOU CALL KIND OF
A MORAL TRAFFIC LIGHT, REALLY.
I'M, LIKE, SAYING, "RED. GO NO FURTHER."
(makes loud beeping noises)
(gasping)
(waltz music playing)
(clock chiming)
I DO NOT NEED THIS!
A WOMAN MY AGE?
I'M A PERSON.
THERE'S A PERSON HERE.
THIS IS KID'S STUFF.
YOU COME. YOU GO.
ALL I DO IS COOK LIKE A JERK.
YOU'RE A WASTE OF GOOD LASAGNA.
MM-UH. MM-UH.
I DON'T NEED THIS.
FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER DOPE.
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
GOD, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, JACK.
HEY, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO GO NOW?
RUNNING AROUND HERE DURING THE DAY IS ONE THING
BUT AT NIGHT WE COULD BE KILLED
BY A WIDE VARIETY OF PEOPLE.
THAT'S STUPID, JACK.
THIS PARK IS MINE AS MUCH AS IT IS THEIRS.
DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR THAT THEY CAN KEEP US OUT
JUST BECAUSE WE MIGHT GET KILLED OR SOMETHING?
YES, I THINK IT'S VERY FAIR.
WELL, I DON'T.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CLOUD BUSTING, JACK.
YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK
AND CONCENTRATE ON THE CLOUDS
AND YOU BREAK THEM APART WITH YOUR MIND
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE NUDE, JACK.
THIS IS NEW YORK.
NO ONE'S ALLOWED TO BE NAKED
IN A FIELD IN NEW YORK.
IT'S TOO MIDWESTERN.
COME ON, JACK, IT'S REALLY FREEING!
THE AIR ON YOUR BODY, YOUR NIPPLES ARE HARD
THE LITTLE GUY'S DANGLING IN THE WIND.
YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF.
WE'RE BARE-ASS NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF IT!
THIS IS NUTS! I'M LEAVING.
FREE YOURSELF. YOU KNOW WHY DOGS DO THIS? IT FEELS GOOD!
I'M NOT DOING THAT.
I'M LEAVING.
COME ON. GET BACK TO YOUR ROOTS. [ Barking ]
THE MAN TALKS TO INVISIBLE PEOPLE
AND HE'S LYING NAKED IN CENTRAL PARK.
I'M NOT SURPRISED. I'M OUT OF MY MIND TO BE HERE!
WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO, JACK?
TO THE LITTLE PEOPLE!
ARE THEY HERE?
THEY'RE SAYING, JACK, GO TO THE NEAREST LIQUOR STORE
FINDETH THE JACK OF DANIELS
THAT YE MAY BE SHIT-FACED!
DULANG, DULANG!
THEY SAID THAT?
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKIN' MIND!
BINGO!
COME ON. FREE UP THE LITTLE GUY. LET HIM FLAP IN THE BREEZE!
YO, YO, PA-PU-NA! OH, OH!
OH, JACK. [ Howling ]
Jack: NOTHING'S HAPPENING.
Parry: CONCENTRATE.
WHAT IF SOME HOMOPHOBIC JOGGER KILLS US
TO GET BACK AT HIS FATHER?
"JACK LUCAS FOUND DEAD NEXT TO A DEAD NAKED MAN.
THE TWO WERE DEAD, HIS COMPANION WAS NAKED."
I HATE IT WHEN THEY USE THE WORD "COMPANION."
IT'S SO INSINUATING.
PROBABLY BOOST THE SALES OF MY BIOGRAPHY, THOUGH.
THE PUBLIC HAS A FASCINATION WITH CELEBRITY MURDERS
THAT INVOLVE NAKEDNESS.
BASTARDS.
JACK, I MAY BE GOING OUT ON A LIMB HERE
BUT YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE A HAPPY CAMPER.
DID YOU EVER HEAR THE STORY OF THE FISHER KING?
NO.
IT BEGINS WITH THE KING AS A BOY
HAVING TO SPEND THE NIGHT ALONE IN THE FOREST
TO PROVE HIS COURAGE SO HE CAN BECOME KING.
WHILE HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT ALONE
HE'S VISITED BY A SACRED VISION.
OUT OF THE FIRE APPEARS THE HOLY GRAIL--
THE SYMBOL OF GOD'S DIVINE GRACE--
AND A VOICE SAID TO THE BOY
"YOU SHALL BE KEEPER OF THE GRAIL
SO THAT IT MAY HEAL THE HEARTS OF MEN."
BUT THE BOY WAS BLINDED BY GREATER VISIONS
OF A LIFE FILLED WITH POWER AND GLORY AND BEAUTY.
IN THIS STATE OF RADICAL AMAZEMENT
HE FELT, FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, NOT LIKE A BOY
BUT INVINCIBLE...
LIKE GOD.
SO HE REACHED IN THE FIRE TO TAKE THE GRAIL
AND THE GRAIL VANISHED
LEAVING HIM WITH HIS HAND IN THE FIRE
TO BE TERRIBLY WOUNDED.
NOW AS THIS BOY GREW OLDER
HIS WOUND GREW DEEPER
UNTIL ONE DAY
LIFE FOR HIM LOST ITS REASON.
HE HAD NO FAITH IN ANY MAN, NOT EVEN HIMSELF.
HE COULDN'T LOVE
OR FEEL LOVED.
HE WAS SICK WITH EXPERIENCE.
HE BEGAN TO DIE.
ONE DAY, A FOOL WANDERED INTO THE CASTLE
AND FOUND THE KING ALONE.
NOW BEING A FOOL, HE WAS SIMPLEMINDED.
HE DIDN'T SEE A KING.
HE ONLY SAW A MAN ALONE AND IN PAIN
AND HE ASKED THE KING, "WHAT AILS YOU, FRIEND?"
THE KING REPLIED, "I'M THIRSTY.
I NEED SOME WATER TO COOL MY THROAT."
SO THE FOOL TOOK A CUP FROM BESIDE HIS BED
FILLED IT WITH WATER, AND HANDED IT TO THE KING
AND AS THE KING BEGAN TO DRINK
HE REALIZED HIS WOUND WAS HEALED.
HE LOOKED IN HIS HANDS, AND THERE WAS THE HOLY GRAIL--
THAT WHICH HE SOUGHT ALL OF HIS LIFE.
HE TURNED TO THE FOOL AND SAID WITH AMAZEMENT
"HOW COULD YOU FIND THAT
WHICH MY BRIGHTEST AND BRAVEST COULD NOT?"
THE FOOL REPLIED, "I DON'T KNOW.
I ONLY KNEW THAT YOU WERE THIRSTY."
IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?
I THINK I HEARD THAT AT A LECTURE ONCE.
I DON'T KNOW...
IT WAS, UM...
A PROFESSOR...
AT HUNTER.
PARRY?
HUH?
PARRY?
PARRY.
HEY...
PARRY.
JACK.
HEY.
HOW COME YOU NEVER ASKED THAT GIRL FOR A DATE?
I CAN'T ASK HER
I HAVE TO EARN HER.
THIS IS THE 20th CENTURY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EARN A WOMAN.
WELL, MAYBE AFTER WE GET THE GRAIL.
SHE COULD HELP YOU GET THE GRAIL.
WOMEN ARE GREAT.
THEY MAKE HOMES AND THEY KILL THE LIVESTOCK
SO THE KNIGHTS CAN GO OUT THERE AND GET GRAILS
AND SLAUGHTER VILLAGES WITH A CLEAR HEAD.
WHERE WOULD KING ARTHUR BE WITHOUT GUINEVERE?
HAPPILY MARRIED, PROBABLY.
WELL, THAT'S A BAD EXAMPLE
BUT TRUST ME ON THIS.
A WOMAN WHO LOVES YOU
KEEPS YOU GOING, GIVES YOU STRENGTH.
MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
IS THAT WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND DOES FOR YOU?
SURE... YEAH.
MMM...
MMM!
UMPH!
OH, EXCUSE...
GET OUT OF THE FUCKIN' WAY! (woman groaning)
YES, TWO HEARTS PUBLISHING?
MAY I SPEAK TO LYDIA, PLEASE?
LYDIA?
WHO IS LYDIA?
NO, I DON'T KNOW HER LAST NAME.
YOU ARE CALLING LYDIA FROM MY APARTMENT?
YOU MUST THINK I AM SOME KIND OF DOPE.
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
HER NAME IS LYDIA.
YOU STAY OUT ALL NIGHT LONG...
YOU STROLL IN HERE AT NOON...
YOU THINK I NEED THIS?
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WAS NOT WITH A WOMAN LAST NIGHT.
I WAS WITH PARRY!
THE MORON?
HE'S NOT A MORON.
WHO'S LYDIA?
LYDIA IS THE GIRL THAT PARRY LIKES.
I THOUGHT...
WHAT DID YOU THINK?
YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M STUPID.
THAT PISSES ME OFF.
OKAY, OKAY.
I'M SORRY.
I FEEL INDEBTED TO THE GUY, OKAY?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THERE, YOU SEE?
WHAT?
I THOUGHT THAT IF I COULD HELP HIM IN SOME WAY--
GET HIM THIS GIRL THAT HE LOVES--
THAT MAYBE, YOU KNOW
THINGS WOULD CHANGE FOR ME.
FORGET IT.
IT'S A DUMB FUCKING IDEA.
YOU BIG GALOOT.
YOU ARE SUCH A MESS.
OH, LISTEN...
STRANGER THINGS...
HAVE BEEN KNOWN...
TO HAPPEN.
(ringing)
## I've got the power... ##
HELLO?
WHO IS THIS?
HELLO, LYDIA.
LYDIA, THIS IS JACK LUCAS.
I'M CALLING FROM VIDEO SPOT VIDEO RENTALS.
LYDIA, YOU ARE A MAJOR CREDIT CARD HOLDER
ARE YOU NOT?
WELL, LYDIA, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.
In conjunction with several major credit card companies...
WHICH ONES?
All of them.
WHICH MEANS
THAT YOU HAVE WON A FREE MEMBERSHIP AT OUR STORE.
("The Can-Can" playing)
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
MY NAME IS...
WHAT WAS...
HOW DID...
IS MY NAME ON A LIST?
DID YOU PICK IT OUT OF A HAT?
IT WAS A LIST.
WERE THERE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM OR JUST YOU?
THERE WERE...
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I don't...
THIS PHONE...
I'VE NEVER WON ANYTHING IN MY LIFE
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A VCR...
YOU'LL GET A FREE VCR WITH THE MEMBERSHIP
FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME
UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN.
LISTEN, COME DOWN TO THE STORE
see if you're interested.
NO, WAIT...
DID PHYLLIS TELL YOU TO CALL ME?
DID PHYLLIS IN ACCOUNTING DO THAT?
NO. I TOLD YOU, YOU WON A CONTEST.
You have just...
THIS IS GOING TO BE ROUGH.
IT'S GOING TO BE ROUGH.
(singing warm-up exercises)
SHH.
I NEED TO WARM UP.
I'M ANNE MORROW LINDBERGH.
(whining:) I CAN'T FIND MY BABY.
I KNEW I COULD MAKE YOU SMILE.
COME ON.
LOOK, ONE CHORUS AND THEN YOU'RE OUT OF THERE.
JACK, I'M A MAN WITH A MISSION.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS
WITH THESE PEOPLE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
IS THERE A MOUSY LITTLE WOMAN NAMED LYDIA WHO WORKS HERE?
YES, I'LL GET HER...
NO, I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO HER IN PERSON.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED...
LYDIA SINCLAIR?
(clearing throat)
WHA...
YOU MUST BE SHE.
## I HAD A DREAM ##
## ## A DREAM FOR GUESS WHO, LYDIA
## IT WASN'T FOR HER, LYDIA ##
## IT'S ONLY FOR YOU, YES, LYDIA ##
## SOME PEOPLE CAN GET THEIR KICKS ##
## WATCHING KOPPEL AND LATE-NIGHT FLICKS ##
## THAT'S OKAY FOR SOME PEOPLE ##
## WHO DON'T OWN VCR's ##
## BUT, LYDIA ##
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